It continues to amaze me how bigger the time gaps between journals become as the years roll on. I used to post here every day. Then it became maybe every month. From there, every tri-cycle of months, and then finally developing into a once-in-a-year thing.

A lot has happened in a year. More than a lot. More than I wanted to happen. I really don't know where to begin or even if there is an end. I can only really sum it all up in a series of apologies. That much is certain...I've come to a point in my life where I continue to reflect on everything I've done, and feel more regret towards different things I've screwed up; and boy, have I screwed up bad.

My first apology goes towards all my friends, past and present. Every single one of them. A good handful of them are part of this very art community and have some kind of access to this journal. I've driven away such a good majority of them all, shoving such a fact aside thinking that my life was going to give way to better things. Well, I know I'm only 18, not experiencing the world in its entirety, but my life has reached the very bottom. My plan...no, my hope to make things better fell apart - it all backfired on me to bring me to this point. What friends remain and have influence in my life, they have all tried to help me through these times of unhappiness. Through this, I realized that it was a golden light my life needed, and that I never showed them my truest gratitude towards all they did. If you're reading this, you know who you are, and I would like to thank you, and to talk to you again. I'd like to talk to you all again.

My second apology goes towards those who helped me in my times of need. This doesn't necessarily target friends, but everyone who chipped in every little way to make what little part of my life they can better. I offer the more specific example of those who helped me out when I was in financial need. Some time ago, I fell into debt for the first time in my life, and couldn't keep my head afloat. It was then that somebody wonderful began a drive to help me escape this debt by using her artistic talents and relations with friends (or otherwise generous and anonymous figures) to bring me back to par in my finances. I said for so long that I would put up a journal thanking them in the most sincere way, but I didn't. This is why I apologize...I am so grateful - appreciative beyond my wildest dreams - and never showed it. For that, I am sorry. However, this doesn't completely apply to said situation - this apology goes to anyone and everyone who passed me with a smile to help cheer me up or nodded in my direction to acknowledge me in my times of need.

My third apology goes to myself. As weird (and possibly selfish) as it sounds, it's true. I've neglected myself. Sure, I've done some things for myself like go out and randomly treat myself to a meal at a restaurant or grab a CD to add to my collection; but I haven't truely focused on myself. My core values and needs. I've lost sight of it all, and it shows all throughout my life. I hold the same crappy job I've had for 2 years now. I still haven't found my major in college. Most importantly of all....I've lost the single most important person in my life - Jessica.

Which brings me to my fourth and final apology. I direct this to you, Jessica. What can I say...I've lost you. I guess there are no excuses this time. There is no more sitting uncomfortably on my floor waiting for you to call back and say that this was all just a twitch of raw emotion, where we would cry ourselves into each other's arms again. You belong to someone else, and it tears me up inside...no matter how many times I try and not think about it. The worst part - I cannot do anything to turn things back. I brought a lot of this forward...I yelled at you when I should have been holding you close and reminding you how much I loved you. I'm the one that turned you away when you were trying to be close because of my own insecurities. I spent too much time away from you when I could have been there by your side, embracing your warm touch and kissing those soft lips until we both fell asleep. I realize it all now, what I had been doing wrong. A true lasting relationship has to involve both parties showing how much they love the other, no matter how much they get wrapped up in other things. If given just one chance, I would change it all - hold you closer than ever, never give nod to the feelings of the public around us, and kiss you every chance I get. I would glorify our love to others as I once did and relish in the fact that I'm with the one person I was made to be with. But that won't happen now. You won't give me one more chance, and I can't show you that I truly found the secret to making better what had suffered for so long. Us splitting up was supposed to accomplish what we could not inside the relationship. We were supposed to find our own ways of making the relationship better, so when we went back into it, we could make it last as long as we had always wanted to. Into marriage, into parenthood, and even right into our very graves. I still envision that future, knowing that somehow, someway, it will continue to happen...and because of this, I continue to hurt you; to bring you down when you're in a moment of happiness. I'm so sorry that I still see that future...one that was practically written in the stars, and you don't want to think about it. I'm also sorry for everything I've done to you throughout these years, and that I couldn't make you happy enough to stand in a life with me. I'm sorry that I'm still in love with you, and sorry that I will never let you forget it.

There's so much more I can say. Apologies can go a long way, but don't begin to describe what's happened in the length of a year. A lot has happened. I screwed up big time, and can't seem to find means of redemption. But maybe that should be my goal now - to seek forgiveness. This is why I post this journal, despite it being riddled with mysteries of why I decided to post ever again.

I hadn't posted in a year, and the most life-changing moment of it all happened just one week ago. There's so much more I could say....like how Jessica and I reached so many peaks in our relationship and overcame so much holding each other's hand through the whole way, or explain every memory I have had with her and how I'm beginning to appreciate and love them more and more, or how I still wake up every morning reaching for my beloved next to me in bed and don't find anyone...but I'll leave it all at that.

I'll try to post again, possibly trying to keep out the depressing/mushy stuff, as I know it doesn't attract all crowds, if any. With that said, I want to end this journal with one last statement:

I love you Jessica Angelique Tooley, and I won't give up on you - ever. I know there is still a part of you that looks back on all the memories we will forever hold and smiles thinking that they were real, paving way for more memories to be made. We went through 3 years and 3 months - no better way I would have seen myself spending such a time in my life. We lasted so long for a purpose, and there's no reason we shouldn't try it again. You can find love in other places, unsure of where a relationship is going to carry you, but remember that you have true love here at home - someone who will do anything and everything for you at the cost of a smile, a hug, and a simple "I love you." Why give up on a sure thing? I'm here for you always. This love is always going to be for you!

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For some reason, I just went back and read every single journal I ever posted in dA. It really made me feel good to see that I didn't completely go through those years not showing how much she really means to me. Reading those journals really did some good. I can only hope she reads them and remembers everything. The circumstances have changed, but I love you no less from the first day I said I was in love with you.

Also, if I'm not updating this journal too often, then I have a LiveJournal I'm going to attempt to be active on, found [here].
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